It’s a pretty classic thing. I think too much about things before I act, which leads to me not acting in many situations. I wasn’t always like this. As a child I was a dreamer, but I’d also jump right in. I think Autism changed me.
One of the big things you learn raising Autistic children is that your degree of success is mostly controlled by how things are introduced. Any new expectation or sea change needs to be served up in an appropriate manner and land just right in order to garner cooperation. From the outside this looks like pandering and I am judged harshly for it, but it is the nature of literal thinkers and rigid mindsets that requires the authority to shape to the audience at least in our current season. So, I’ve learned to work through every potential outcome in my mind before stepping off the deep end. It’s not that you are trying to control the outcome. It’s an attempt to account for every potential misstep and avoid things going badly.
This thought process has become so pervasive that I have become hyper-vigilant in all things and am having to relearn skill I once possessed, like faith and trust. This leaves me with the mantra, “everything is fine, your list is well enough caught up, nothing is due, everything is fine” on my lips most nights as I adjust to new routines. It’s time for bed. Not everything that could be done is finished, but I am going to sleep and that’s OK. If I tell myself so often enough I may believe it. It’s just so hard turning if off after being “on” all day.
I can see parallels of this in many aspects of my personal experience. Places where I basically generate road blocks, because I’m trying to account for all eventualities, because I’m so use to do that with my kids it’s become my “go to” strategy. The only problem is that it’s getting in the way of me doing the things I want to, need to do, for myself. This is definitely a topic that needs further exploration.
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