Returning to the theme of making things difficult for ourselves. The family has been home today while My Dear Husband (MDH) worked finishing up my back porch, which I now have to call “the sun room.” He’s working with a friend and when they are at it, laying floor and trimming out things, life is mostly upheaval. I’ve picked up a bit, made meals, and changed Thing #2’s pants a couple times, but for the most part I’ve just bounced around wondering what I should be doing.
It’s a new phenomenon for me. There’s nothing much on my list that I’m that interested in doing and I gave myself permission to just let things go for a day. It helped that I was up until 1:00 a.m. last night finishing up a couple assignments for my classes, so the morning started really slow and I just never really got in gear. I think the really important thing is allowing for the idea that you don’t have to push all the time. Becoming comfortable with that change in perspective is taking a little bit of time.
I think one aspect of me making my own life difficult was expecting too much of myself. The expectations just built and built until they were completely unrealistic. It’s like taking hyper-vigilance to the extreme. When you let the steam off the loss of that pressure is as uncomfortable as the stress was itself. I just keep looking at my planner and reassuring myself that everything is OK and that I am doing what needs to be done.
Taking care of yourself is one of the hardest parts of having special needs children. So much of your energy goes into meeting their needs, but it is important to allow yourself time and space to recharge. Part of me beginning to master this lifestyle is learning to pace myself. It’s not entirely comfortable, but when I get this lesson learned it will definitely have been worth it.

It’s a pretty classic thing. I think too much about things before I act, which leads to me not acting in many situations. I wasn’t always like this. As a child I was a dreamer, but I’d also jump right in. I think Autism changed me.

One of the big things you learn raising Autistic children is that your degree of success is mostly controlled by how things are introduced. Any new expectation or sea change needs to be served up in an appropriate manner and land just right in order to garner cooperation. From the outside this looks like pandering and I am judged harshly for it, but it is the nature of literal thinkers and rigid mindsets that requires the authority to shape to the audience at least in our current season. So, I’ve learned to work through every potential outcome in my mind before stepping off the deep end. It’s not that you are trying to control the outcome. It’s an attempt to account for every potential misstep and avoid things going badly.

This thought process has become so pervasive that I have become hyper-vigilant in all things and am having to relearn skill I once possessed, like faith and trust. This leaves me with the mantra, “everything is fine, your list is well enough caught up, nothing is due, everything is fine” on my lips most nights as I adjust to new routines. It’s time for bed. Not everything that could be done is finished, but I am going to sleep and that’s OK. If I tell myself so often enough I may believe it. It’s just so hard turning if off after being “on” all day.

I can see parallels of this in many aspects of my personal experience. Places where I basically generate road blocks, because I’m trying to account for all eventualities, because I’m so use to do that with my kids it’s become my “go to” strategy. The only problem is that it’s getting in the way of me doing the things I want to, need to do, for myself. This is definitely a topic that needs further exploration.

It is complete insanity. My life is so full that I create a space to share what I think and feel or learn and experience then time passes. They say if you have met one person with autism you have met one person with autism. I believe that if you have experienced one family dealing with special needs you have met one family dealing with special needs. I am a reasonably intelligent person and it has taken me years, I mean years, to learn to balance the demands before me. So, yes, it is insanity, but it is also possible.

I am not special. When I tell people that I am a stay-at-home mom with three children on the spectrum they congratulate me on my ability to persevere. The truth is I am juggling as fast as I can and many things fall by the wayside. The only thing I can consistently claim as true is that I love my children and I would sacrifice most anything for them. When I say “most anything” I do not include sleep, meals, or personal comfort. I manage to grab those things and hold them dear as I am providing for their needs. It presents mostly as self-serving procrastination, not harmful, but not perfect either. There is always something more you could do or a more thorough treatment of a concern that could be made. So, I consider my overarching response to this calling as “flawed.”

As a special needs mom you have to give yourself permission to get it wrong, to have time run away from you, to not have it all together and that is most definitely not the position of an internet blogger. There are algorithms that want to ensure my writing meets standard and systems that dictate what I should do to ensure my work achieves its proper standing in the Google search criteria. I can’t promise you any of that here. I just don’t have time for that. In the last several years since I posted here perfection has become the enemy of the good. I could have been sharing good information, but didn’t post it, because I couldn’t get the post “perfect.”

No longer. I am just going to put it out there and learn as I go, so that those of you who find my experience helpful can learn from my example. It won’t always be a good one, but it will be an honest one. That said, I have just embarked on yet another masters degree program. This time in Applied Behavioral Analysis, so if you have any questions on that topic let me know. I have the ear of some of the best practitioners money can buy on the subject and look forward to digging in.